One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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