She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
