I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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