they need to just BURY HIM!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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