It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
