He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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