shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
