I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
