im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
