I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
