uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize