so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
