Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
