At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
