my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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