I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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