I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
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I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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