He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
