my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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