I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
