He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it