Texts From Last Night

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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  (503): after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success. http://tfl.nu/y8ni
  Replies (15) Good night (5323) Bad night (784)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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  (856): Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper http://tfl.nu/7rbt
  Replies (48) Good night (1290) Bad night (8287)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night

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  (724): I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night http://tfl.nu/leh0
  Replies (6) Good night (4836) Bad night (925)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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  (907): everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort. http://tfl.nu/2zhz
  Replies (15) Good night (4817) Bad night (1181)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

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  (206): She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level? http://tfl.nu/kfzw
  Replies (4) Good night (1872) Bad night (827)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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  (410): I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old http://tfl.nu/pmig
  Replies (9) Good night (2306) Bad night (1437)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

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  (701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab... http://tfl.nu/8q0e
  Replies (5) Good night (2428) Bad night (560)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.

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  (920): I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine. http://tfl.nu/elnb
  Replies (3) Good night (949) Bad night (469)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

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  (205): WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES http://tfl.nu/watc
  Replies (15) Good night (1267) Bad night (884)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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  (250): We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID... http://tfl.nu/i2zd
  Replies (2) Good night (1121) Bad night (503)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.

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  (716): I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects. http://tfl.nu/fv1m
  Replies (1) Good night (1430) Bad night (372)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.

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  (719): Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover. http://tfl.nu/9z9a
  Replies (0) Good night (572) Bad night (366)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.

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  (202): i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw. http://tfl.nu/q0dy
  Replies (1) Good night (535) Bad night (393)
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  (323): View more from California

  He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.

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  (323): He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him. http://tfl.nu/swjk
  Replies (5) Good night (1142) Bad night (309)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.

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  (941): she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that. http://tfl.nu/ju83
  Replies (0) Good night (451) Bad night (330)

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