if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.