just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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