Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
