Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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