If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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