Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
