My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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