dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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