I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
