I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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