I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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