peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
