the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
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You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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