he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
