i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My ass is underappreciated
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
