Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
