I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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