Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
