I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
