god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
