I'm lost and stupid without you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
