When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
