also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
