Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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