Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
