So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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