What did we do last night that was yellow?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
