The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
