you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
