every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
