nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
