How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
whose parrot is this?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
