Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
