I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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